Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Benjamin
Nope, the world was invented in 1789 when the Constitution was ratified. 
Ben |
Good Morning, Susan S.!
It's Sunday, May 1, 2005
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Please Vote for your Humor Letter
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Women demand their men to be reliable and predictable,
mostly so that they can accuse them of being boring.
-- Socratex
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Thanks to Cookie for this story:
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was
an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day,
decided he just absolutely had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he wasn't felling
well and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father
Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty
miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally
meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord
while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,
"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and
fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and
asked, "Why would you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied,
"Who's he going to brag to?"
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Murphy came home drunk as a skunk for the third night in a
row. Judi, his wife, dragged him to the window and pointed
out to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance.
"Do you see how big it is?" she thundered. "They can always
make it faster than you can drink it!"
"Maybe so, [hic]," he burped, "but I've got 'em working nights!"
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Thanks to Joyce for this picture:
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From Rick
I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find
my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my wife when I
got home.
Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent
night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed
into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in
years.
The next morning, I asked my wife, "Why was Zack
in bed with you?"
"Oh," she replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was
too tired to change his sheets."
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Thanks to Deeli for this news clipping:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD,
goes to alarmists in Clovis, New Mexico
Armed with a loaded burrito
April 29, 2005 - CLOVIS, N.M. - AP
A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted
police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby
streets and lock down the school.
All over a giant burrito.
Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy
carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall
Junior High.
The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item
was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak,
guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped
in tin foil.
"I didn't know whether to laugh or cry," school Principal
Diana Russell said.
State police, Clovis police and the Curry County Sheriff's
Department arrived at the school shortly after 8:30 a.m.
They searched the premises and determined there was
no immediate danger.
In the meantime, more than 30 parents, alerted by a radio
report, descended on the school. Visibly shaken, they
gathered around in a semi-circle, straining their necks,
awaiting news.
"There needs to be security before the kids walk through
the door," de,anded Heather Black, whose son attends the
school.
After the lockdown was lifted but before the burrito was
identified as the culprit, parents pulled 75 students out
of school, Russell said.
Russell said the mystery was solved after she brought
everyone in the school together in the auditorium to
explain what was going on.
"The kid was sitting there as I'm describing this (report
of a student with a suspicious package) and he's thinking,
'Oh, my gosh, they're talking about my burrito.'"
Afterward, eighth-grader Michael Morrissey approached her.
"He said, 'I think I'm the person they saw,'" Russell said.
The burrito was part of Morrissey's extra-credit assignment
to create commercial advertising for a product.
"We had to make up a product and it could have been
anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly
large burritos," Morrissey said.
After students heard the description of what police were
looking for, he and his friends began to make the
connection. He then took the burrito to the office.
"The police saw it and everyone just started laughing.
Oh, and I have a new nickname now. It's Burrito Boy."
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From David
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas.
The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile,
she said,
"What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
=================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Roland
Re: Yoyo in space
Dear Webby,
In the TODAY link,this is YoYo Day. It mentiones that
Astronaut Jeffery Hoffman too a YoYo into space.
I wonder how a YoYo works in space. Any ideas?
Roland
Dear Roland
A YoYo works just fine in space.
It works on gyroscopic force and on inertia. You
probably have seen some YoYo players 'throw"
their YoYo upwards or in any direction.
Have FUN!
Dear Webby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Buying Dairy
Buying Dairy
When buying dairy, always buy the largest container
possible. When buying perishables, like dairy, check
the expiration date and make sure you will be able to
use it before it expires. Especially with items like milk
and eggs that are difficult to freeze. Don't pay extra for
shredded cheese, you can buy a large block of cheese,
grate the the block and freeze any that you don't think
you will use quickly. Don't buy small yogurt containers
when you can buy a large one for much cheaper.
Take a calculator along and check the pricing. Some
stores use an ingredient specific price code and just
multiply that with the weight, without giving you a
discount for quantity.
If you are living not too far from dairy farmers, go visit
a few. Almost 100% of them are quite disenchanted
with the big dairies and will sell privately, IF
you can promise reliable and predictable pick-up.
If you can arrange a co-op deal with friends and neighbors,
where a different one does the pick-up each week, that can
work out to a dream deal. Just make sure that there is a
designated alternate pick-up person in case somebody
is sick or has car problems. Expect the deal to be
cancelled if you 'forget' a pick-up.
If there is a farmers market not too far away, you can
usually arrange a fantastic deal with a "subscription",
by promising to pick up for example a bushel box full
of assorted seasonal veggies every week. As long as you
don't forget to make the trip each week to go pick up the
box marked Susan S., you can cut your veggie
budget in half, plus have veggies left over to give to
neighbors.
The same as with dairy products, a co-op deal with
friends and neighbors gets you an even better deal,
plus it shifts the burden of the pick-up trip to a
different driver each week.
If you are the one who organizes a co-op, insist on every
member paying one extra week in advance, their
"Last Week", in case they come up with a sob story
instead of cash some day, or in case a pick-up rendezvous
is spoiled by an accident or road closure or whatever.
That "Last Week" cushion saves you from having to
frantically scramble for the cash and possibly getting
into a bad mood about it.
have FUN!
Dear Webby
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes!
The current prize that is up for grabs is a $30 gift certificate.
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Vote for ThriftyFun
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========================================
Susan S.'s colleague at a package-processing center
was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he
was finally discovered, Susan S. and another worker
were able to open the door with some difficulty.
The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open
while a maintenance worker was called.
A bit later, Susan S. noticed the door was closed again.
He jiggled the doorknob and an unfamiliar voice from inside
called, "Get me outa here!"
"Don't worry," Susan S. replied, "Maintenance should be
sending somebody shortly."
"They did," said the voice.
(The man was Hannitized.)