POLITICS AND COWS


DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive
and sour.

Republican, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.

Democrat, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have
to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one
cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one,
milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down
the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do
an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are
reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They
learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top
of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink
lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an
hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn
you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again
and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't
milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were
in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of
their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed
attempting to milk them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best
looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote
for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for
neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally,
a bunch of guys from out of state tell you which is the best looking
cow.


CALIFORNIAN CORPORATION
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent
its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back
after a taxpayer paid sex change operation. You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender
cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court.
You sell the milk generating cow to pay the damages. You now have
one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your
business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a
speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes
to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the
nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis
signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five
anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare
bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

INVESTMENT CORPORATION
You have 2 cows and your neighbor has none. Don’t worry. Your neighbor invested in cattle futures and is now rich and says to hell with raising cattle…..he’s going fishing.

Not my own, but funny anyway. Enjoy

IMAO: I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

This ones good for an uncomfortable laugh:


(Q) Whats the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?






(A) There's twenty of them!

__________________
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb discussing what's for dinner.
Liberty is a well armed lamb willing to contest the majority decision!" ~ Benjamin Franklin
"Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice Doggie! while you're looking for a rock. ~ Wynn Catlin
"There are no innocent civilians." - Gerneral Curtis Lemay. A.K.A Bombs away Lemay

in that spirit

What's the toughest thing about having sex with an eight year old?



getting the blood off the clown suit......

__________________
“ The subjects of every state ought to contribute towards the support of the government, as nearly as possible, in proportion to their respective abilities; that is, in proportion to the revenue which they respectively enjoy under the protection of the state.”

Adam Smith , The Wealth of Nations 1776

"We have always known that heedless self-interest was bad morals; we know now that it is bad economics"
FDR's second Inaugural Address

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied "Then the word I will spell is 'love'.
L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured the woman and instructed her to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded "Czechoslovakia."

Worst. Joke. Ever:

Have you heard about the boy who fell in love with two school bags? He's bi-satchel.

There are two muffins in the oven. One muffen looks to the other and says "man, it's hot in here." The other muffin then screams "OH MY GOD, a talking muffin!"

__________________
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb discussing what's for dinner.
Liberty is a well armed lamb willing to contest the majority decision!" ~ Benjamin Franklin
"Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice Doggie! while you're looking for a rock. ~ Wynn Catlin
"There are no innocent civilians." - Gerneral Curtis Lemay. A.K.A Bombs away Lemay

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

I didn't know that "don't" was spelled with four apostrophes.

__________________
"Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have... The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases."

-Thomas Jefferson

Speaking of which, how do you make this symbol ' on your keyboard? I always have to copy it from somewhere else when I need it.

__________________
January the 20th 2009. The day I started to respect America!

Only when "God" speaks apparently.

Uh, press the shift key?

Its right here on my keyboard. What layout is normal in Denmark? Qwerty or qwertz or something local?

Attached Images

 

__________________
5% of the total surface of the Netherlands is used to grow hemp

If your keyboard is qwerty, just press the key with the @ symbol on it to get '.

ALCOHOL STUDY

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles in
a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a
year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be American!