Tom, a loving husband, was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Tom got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Tom is not yet well enough to have visitors.

Ey guys how about this video, people doing a lip-sync of the BSB song.. Try to check this cool dudes here doing crazy lip-sync. I really had fun watching it.. Here's the link Crazy Lipsinkers...

Monday morning a recently divirced man calls his wife's divorce attorney:

"Is Mr. Howe available? I had a few questions for him."

"I'm sorry sir, Mr. Howe passed away several weeks ago. Could Mr. Dewey be of assistance?"

"No thanks, it wasn't all that important."

Next day, the guy call the attorneys office again.

"Is Mr. Howe available? I had a few questions for him."

"I'm sorry sir, Mr. Howe is unavailable, he passed away several weeks ago. Could Mr. Cheatem be of assistance?"

Once again, "No, that ok, it was not too important"

The man calls back again on Wednesday:

"Is Mr. Howe available? I had a few questions for him."

"Sir, I've already told you twice that Mr. Howe is unavaible. Do you not understand he passed away several weeks ago? Why do you continue to call?"

"Oh, I understand he is dead. I just enjoy hearing it at least once per day!"

POTATOES

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred

Ah. The Dewey, Cheatum and Howe law firm. I hired an associate of that firm for my divorce.

__________________
I am an American. That's the way most of us put it, just matter of factly. They are plain words, those four: you could write them on your thumbnail, or sweep them clear across this bright autumn sky. But remember too, that they are more than just words. They are a way of life. So whenever you speak them; speak them firmly, speak them proudly, speak them gratefully. I am an American. ...a tradition

Just stole a reference from Car Talk and tacked it onto a bad joke I heard the other day.

Which they stole from the Three Stooges, I believe.

__________________
Not a day goes by that I don't see something that reinforces my belief that people are idiots.

It's called recycling I suppose.

The Stooges probably stole it too. Or at least their writers did.

__________________
Not a day goes by that I don't see something that reinforces my belief that people are idiots.

Hey, as long as its still funny, it deserves to be stolen! Or at least as long as its not copyrighted of course.

Too Funny! I actually laughed out loud!

TODAYS MARINE CORPS (Humor)

LETTER FROM AN IOWA FARM KID

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in th is except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace

Came around this one in another forum, hope it wasn't posted here before.

__________________
"bellum omnium contra omnes; atque in eo bello jus esse omnibus in omnia."
Thomas Hobbes

"Homo Homini Lupus"
Thomas Hobbes

LOL. So much for "tender loving pleasure".

__________________
I am an American. That's the way most of us put it, just matter of factly. They are plain words, those four: you could write them on your thumbnail, or sweep them clear across this bright autumn sky. But remember too, that they are more than just words. They are a way of life. So whenever you speak them; speak them firmly, speak them proudly, speak them gratefully. I am an American. ...a tradition

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace