__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



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This falls under the category of a joke I believe.

Republicans Unveil New Strategy to Stem Concerns about McCain's Age | DailySeagull.com | Canada's Most Trusted News Source

Not bad

K

Fly Allah Airlines

Atlanta Airport

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus! Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --"

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:


Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

BUSTED!!

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool..they're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his Mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'


The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The busy flight attendant smiled, and asked, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

The flight attendant replied, 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you.'

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the
end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but
I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when
she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn white
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of
the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I
was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for
the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is
lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degrees. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did,
but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6" of snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat
him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the
wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I
was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all
my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving
me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I
am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now
suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother. 9" more inches of snow predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to this bed?

New Stock Market Terms

BEAR MARKET — A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



| Web Site | Forum | YouTube | MySpace | Facebook | Twitter | E-Mail |

I bought a bag of peanuts in the supermarket the other day and it said under allergy information: "warning: may contain traces of nut"

__________________
5% of the total surface of the Netherlands is used to grow hemp

A Rabbi and a Priest are sitting next to each other on a cross country flight.

A little while into the flight, the Priest leans towards the Rabbi: “Is it still true that you’re forbidden to eat pork?”

“Oh, yes, yes it is” replied the Rabbi.

The Priest asks “Have you ever slipped?”

“Oh, yes”, says the Rabbi. Some years back, I enjoyed a nice ham sandwich”.

The Priest nods and leans back in his seat.

A little while later, the Rabbi leans towards the Priest.

“Is it true that you have to remain celibate?”

“Oh, yes”, replies the Priest. "I was required to take a vow of celibacy upon entering the Priesthood”.

The Rabbi asks “Have you ever slipped?”

“Well”, says the Priest, “to be perfectly honest with you, not long after entering the Priesthood, I enjoyed the company of a woman in my bed”.

The Rabbi nodds his head and thinks for a second. He leans over to the Priest and says “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

__________________



For those who have fought to defend it, freedom has a taste the protected will never know...



If it wasn't for double standards, liberals would have no standards at all...

CRABS

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out.

She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the
entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,
please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up. so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn!

__________________






"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ..


Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night..




The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"


"That fellow is traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I tol d him he could sleep in the barn."


The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.



When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"



"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the
channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

================================================== ====================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale..

And then the fight started...

================================================== ==================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

================================================== ==================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my

driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and

realized I had left my wallet at home.. I told the woman that I was

very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt

revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

================================================== ============

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================================================== =========

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

================================================== =============================
=========

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is the husband.

__________________






"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.. (Hmmmmmm.....)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone !
(and God love that pig!)

__________________






"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student,however,wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.


As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.


With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" Grade

__________________






"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"