Nope, I'm on the right.

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“If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” - Carl Sagan

Remember to submit your nominations for the U.S. Politics Online Alternative Awards!

Ahh..now I see the resemblance.


IIIX - there is no joke..i'm sorry.

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"You know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you would do for a Klondike bar." - Unknown

"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad." - Dave Barry

I hadn't heard that one before, but it is downright FUUUUNNNNNYYYYYY.

No it's not Doniston See Mrs M's post - her point number 5.

I remember when I was a kid, there were two medicines: aspirin and Campho-Phenique, that was it. But they advertise these prescriptions, and half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse than what the thing cures! It's like, "Try new Flor-A-Flor. For itchy, watery eyes, it's Flor-A-Flor. Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoes, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction." I'm like, "I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!" -Jeff Foxworthy

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"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

A very distinguished elderly man goes to the doctor for a physical. After taking off his clothes and donning a gown, he sits on the bed in the exam room, waiting for the doctor to come in. After a couple of minutes, he feels like he needs to pass wind, so he leans to one side and, to his absolute horror, his fart turns out to be diarrhea. Mortified at the thought of having anyone find out that he has crapped on the bed, he strips off the dirty sheet and frantically searches for a place to hide it. Unable to find a dirty linen hamper, he goes to the window and tosses the sheet out. The sheet falls six stories to land on a drunk who happened to be stumbling down the sidewalk. Draped with the dirty sheet, the drunk screams and begins struggling wildly to get loose. He falls against the building and rolls around on the sidewalk, leaving a trail of diarrhea. When he finally gets the sheet off him, the drunk stands looking at the crowd that has gathered to watch. At last, a security guard comes running up, surveys the scene, and asks the drunk, "What the hell is going on here?"

The drunk looks around at the mess and says, "I'm not sure.....I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

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"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." Winston Churchill

About all those forwards you get in email -

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
Products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my Face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I
can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

Samantha, THAT was funny. Nice jarb.

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"You know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you would do for a Klondike bar." - Unknown

"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad." - Dave Barry

So this Mule walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender says "Hey, what can I get you".

To which the mule replies "..."

The bartender says "What's that? I can't hear you!"

Mule: "..."

Bartender: "Could you speak up?"

Mule, leaning over the counter: "Sorry, I'm a bit horse!"





bwahahaha.

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"Jesus said: I have cast fire upon the world, and behold I guard it until it is ablaze."
Gospel of Thomas

I know I love that one. I just got that today in an email. I like the end, about the hand on the mouse. I read it with my hand on the mouse

A rabbi, a priest and a mullah walk into a bar and the bartender says,

What is this, a joke?

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten.


1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.


2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.


3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.


4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness.


5. One to give a billion-dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for
the new light bulb.


6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished'.


7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time.


8. One to viciously smear No. 7.


9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.


10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Q: How many Kennedys does is take to save a woman from drowning in a car?

A: We don't know - none of them has ever tried.

Bah hah ha! :P You just made that up! LOL!

Yes, that I did.

Matt