Actually that’s done in R&D…

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Only a liberal would know how hard it is to get a nicotine patch to stick to a monkey.

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to
hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you
definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who
leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy
and a large pool of
water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over,
gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony
Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time, and more rocks appeared.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill
Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked
over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said... "Monica, you're free to go!"

It was just announced that Abu Musab al Zarqawi was killed in Iraq by
American forces.

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across
the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped
conceive.

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is
why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled,
"It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of
Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe
and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist
leader.

As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept
and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting
for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

True story or not; Read and try not to laugh

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires
last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing
as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local
county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would
be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted,
"Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the
runway. Once in the air, the photographer requested the pilot to,

"Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so
I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded.
"And, I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,





"So, you're telling me you're NOT the flight instructor??!!"

Kinda cheesy......most of ya'll have probably heard this one:

A drunk comes in to a bar and orders a drink. After a few minutes, he takes a small piano out of his briefcase and sets it on the bar. Then he pulls a little man (who is less than a foot tall) out of his coat pocket and sets him at the piano. The bartender watches with amazement as the tiny man begins to play the little piano. Finally, the bartender comes over, and pointing to the little piano player, asks the drunk, "Where did you get that little guy and the piano?" The drunk says, "I have a genie right here in a bottle" which he pulls from his briefcase. "He gave them to me."

The bartender says, "Do you think he'll grant me a wish"

The drunk says, "Sure, ask for anything!"

The bartender rubs the bottle and as the genie appears, says, "I want a million bucks!"

Suddenly, there is a clap of thunder...the genie disappears and hundreds of ducks begin falling from the ceiling. The bartender says, "What's wrong with your genie? Is he stupid?"

The drunk says, "No, he just a little hard of hearing.....you didn't think I asked him for a 10 inch pianist, did you?"

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"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." Winston Churchill

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado …
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.
” What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
“I’ve come for some courage.”
” No Problem! said the Wizard. Who ’ s next?”
Richard Nixon stepped forward,
”Well, I think I need a heart.”
“Done! says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”
Up stepped Dubya and said,
”I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”
”No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done.”
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

”Well, what do you want?”
”IS DOROTHY HERE?”

Ha Ha...love It!

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...the government...is caving in...with their specious arguments couched in the...language of civil rights law, and that the churches ... likewise crumbling to...rhetoric which is nothing but heretical sophistry -- ~F Phelps
Platitudes like the one you offer are no different - and no less incorrect - than the jackass part-time Christian who says, "I'm going to heaven because I'm nice to people." It so misses the point.~Impugn

Chinese are difficult to understand american's joke.
excuse,who's Dorothy?is Monica?does Bill looking for skirt?

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Let me sing a song,the old song
i sing slightly,you echo slowly
can you remember the past dream
and the hopeful brilliant days
we passed toil for our ideal
we once cried
and smiled together
i wish you can rember forever
we once had shining days

Dorothy is a girl in "The Wizard of Oz", you have to know about the movie to full understand the joke. ^.^ Actually she's probably the only "skirt" or girl in the whole movie who isn't out of his league or evil or ugly. O.O

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Samantha, that one literally had me laughing out loud. Nice!

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"You know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you would do for a Klondike bar." - Unknown

"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad." - Dave Barry

Even funnier, my father sent it to me!!!!

Here's another one my father sent to me. I finally understand the game now!

Jokes like this usually don't bother me and make me laugh but then I try to make a joke about the vanity of women and nobody will laugh.