try one.

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm
in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.



Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Ha ha ha. I remember mood rings. They were cool.
Remember clackers?

__________________
Only a liberal would know how hard it is to get a nicotine patch to stick to a monkey.

Hi all,

I am new here, but I have a joke that I think you all might like...well...some of you...heh.

Ok...here it is.

An Irishman who runs a Pub and whose mates always come there to drink and be merry decide that they will attack France and elect Pat to call Chirac and let him know whats coming.

So, Pat calls Chirac and actually gets him on the phone and tells him that he and his mates are declaring war on France.

Chirac is taken aback by this and chuckles at first thinking Pat to be absent of his senses.

He tells Pat "Sir, with all due respect, France has an Army of 100,000 strong young men to defend her, you should think twice on this."

Pat ponders that and then tells Chirac that he will discuss this with his mates and call him in the morning.

The next day, Pat calls Chirac and tells him "I've discussed this with the mates and the war is on".

Chirac is puzzled yet still amused. He tells Pat "Sir, not only do I have 100,000 men in my army, but I have another 50,000 in my tank brigades and we will squash you to pieces. Think about that!"

Well, Pat considers this and tells Chirac he'll get back to him the next day and hangs up.

The next day, Pat calls Chirac and tells him "I've discussed this with the mates and the war is still on."

Well, now Chirac is agitated and tells Pat "I also have a very fine Air Force 50,000 men strong and we will straff and bomb you so you better consider THAT!"

So, Pat tells Chirac he'll get back to him in the morning, and sure enough, the next day, he calls Chirac and tells him "I've discussed this with the mates, and the war is still on"!

By now, Chirac is in full fledge enragement and tells Pat that as President of France, he takes the defense of his Nation and threats to it very seriously and as such, he's called up an additional 100,000 reserve troops to the Army and Pat will be squashed like a cocroach.

Pat listens quietly and tells Chirac he will discuss this with his mates and get back to him in the morning.....

Sure enough, Pat calls Chirac the next morning and tells him "well, me and me mates discussed it, and the war if OFF". "There is no effing way we're going to be stuck feeding 300,000 Frenchmen".

The following are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough
time considering how their URLs might appear ... and be misread:


1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agents of any
celebrity. Their website is:
http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange is a base where programmers can exchange advice and

views at:
http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at:
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try finding one at:
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always:
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky website,
http://www.speedofart.com/

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers
(hens, called pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and
was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was
old Butch, a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning John noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his
bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk
on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an
overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch
the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as
well.... Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could
figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the
best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

A duck walks into a pharmacy, waddles up to the pharmascist and goes
"Got any grapes?" The pharmicist is a bit irritated by the stupidity of this grape buying duck and replies
"Sorry but no, this is a pharmacy, we dont serve grapes, theres a produce store down the street." The duck leaves.
The duck comes in the next day and waddles up to the pharmacist and says
"Got any grapes?" The pharmacist by now is angry.
"No, we do not serve grapes, I told you this yesterday please leave." The duck obliges and leaves.
The duck walks in the next day and waddles up to the pharmacist once more
"Got any grapes?" the duck says. The pharmacist is very angry at the distruption of his busy work day
"No! I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY AND THE DAY BEFORE! THIS IS A PHARMACY, WE DONT SERVE GRAPES AND IF YOU COME IN HERE ONE MORE TIME I'LL NAIL YOUR LITTLE WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!"
The duck leaves.

The duck comes in the next day and stops in the doorway and asks the pharmacist,
"Got any nails?" The duck asks.
"No..." The pharmacist says slowly
"Good" The duck replies and waddles up to the pharmacist,
"Got any grapes?"


No ducks were hurt in the making of this joke.

This is not as much as a joke as a riddle.


Imagine your riding in the most amazing sports car ever. Your cruising at an easy hundred and twenty miles an hour down a mountain road. As you turn down a bend your heart jumps, the road had falled away leaving a monstrous crevice a mile straight down. Your windows cannot be broken, the gas is stuck down, the breaks dont work the keys have broken off in the ignition and the doors are irreversabily locked. What do you do?




(this is where the jeoprady theme song starts playing)




Stop imagining.

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, You need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Can you help me? I've lost my electron."

"Are you sure?" the bartender asked.

The hydrogen atom replied, "I'm positive."

__________________

Yup, because after all, domestic violence is hillarious!

From an email -

__________________
"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." - Oscar Wilde

Q: What do you call 1,000 Lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with a Doctor, A tax Collector, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Inflatable Doll

A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter asks: "Male or female?"

Customer says: "Female"

Counter guy asks: "Black or white?"

Customer says: "White"

Counter guy asks: "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says: "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says: "The Muslim one blows itself up."

...and as a follow up: