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"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming 'WOO HOO, what a ride!'"

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"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." - Oscar Wilde

LMAO...good one.

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Anyone who thinks freedom comes cheap, please put the blindfold on and stand against the wall.

Many times I believe Americans will have to take back the country and start a new government.

I got it in an email.

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"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." - Oscar Wilde

From my Monday morning email...

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

The bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more! ..

Two asses they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more...

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

"Heycoola down lady" said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

LOL, nice!


More email funnies -

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"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." - Oscar Wilde

The Hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

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"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." - Oscar Wilde

A burglar breaks into a house with a parrot. As he prowls around looking for valuables, the parrot keeps saying "Jesus is watching you...Jesus is watching you" at intervals. The burglar rolls his eyes and continues to search. Finally it occurs to him that Jesus might be the name of the parrot, so he says: "Hey bird! What's your name?"

"Moses," said the parrot.

The burglar just laughed and said, "What kind of people name their parrot 'Moses?'"

"The same people who named their pit bull 'Jesus,'" said the parrot.

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That's pretty good.

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Ex-Husband
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

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Life is full of ups and downs.
best dvd to ipod converters

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope got shot.

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

Lesson Learned

The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

__________________
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming 'WOO HOO, what a ride!'"

An Englishman, A Scottsman, and an Irishman are all sitting together at a bar. In front of each man is a full fresh pint of beer. Suddenly three flies come in from outside, one fly landing in each mans beer.

The Englishman looks at the fly in his beer with disgust, pushes it away declaring, "Thats disgusting, I can't drink my beer with a fly in it."

The Scotsman looks at the fly in his beer, reaches in with two fingers and pulls the fly out throwing it away, "Well I'm not gonna waste a perfectly good beer."

The Irishman clearly angered reaches in, grabs the fly and holding it over his beer yells, "Spit it out you little bastard, thats my beer...."

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it is his daughter's birthday.


He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have:


"Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends."

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President Josiah Bartlet: Sweden has a 100% literacy rate. 100%! How do they do that?
Leo McGarry: Maybe they don't and they can't add.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the
priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived, and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;
but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the
time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?
Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?





Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is.....


If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly! ..

__________________
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming 'WOO HOO, what a ride!'"

You Know You're From Louisiana If...


-Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside, even in December.

-You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads.

-You don't look twice when you see pink flamingos, in yards of nice subdivisions during Mardi Gras.

-You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils.

-Your ancestors are buried above the ground .

-You drink Community Coffee, have tried Starbucks, but don't see what all the fuss is about. (YEAH!!!)

-You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco .

-Every once in a while, you have waterfront property .

-You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says , "Don't eat the dead ones," and you know what he means.

-You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

-You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.

-Little old ladies push YOU out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads .

-You believe that purple, green , and gold, look good together.

-Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

-You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

-Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart and you don't care because you're No. 1 on the party chart .

-Your house payment is less than your utility bill.

-You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.

-Your grandparents are called "Mam-Maw" and "Paw-Paw."

-Your Santa Claus rides an alligator.

-You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.

-You're walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer.

-When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.

-You've eaten at one or more of these restaurants, AND know how to pronounce them: Prejeans, Tu Jac's, Gallatoire's, Ralph & Kacoo's, Brunet's, or Mulatte's.

-You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you've eaten.

-You call home just to find out what your momma'nem are having for supper tonight.

__________________
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming 'WOO HOO, what a ride!'"