I could tell a lot of racial danish jokes (danes are nazi-assholes you know), but I suspect you people wouldnt like them.

__________________
January the 20th 2009. The day I started to respect America!

I would enjoy it a lot more than dogs having sex

A man and his wife are in a restaurant, a beautiful young woman walks by and says "hi" to the man.
The wife asks "Who was that?"
The man says "Well, I won't lie to you, that's my mistress"
The woman says "I want a divorce!"
The man says, "well, if we get divorced we'll have to sell the house, and our cottage on the cape, and I don't think we'll be able to afford the Mercedes"
There is silence until dessert...............
The woman asks "Who's that woman over there eating with George?"
the man looks over and says "That's George's mistress"
The woman pauses, then says "Our's is much prettier"

__________________
“ The subjects of every state ought to contribute towards the support of the government, as nearly as possible, in proportion to their respective abilities; that is, in proportion to the revenue which they respectively enjoy under the protection of the state.”

Adam Smith , The Wealth of Nations 1776

"We have always known that heedless self-interest was bad morals; we know now that it is bad economics"
FDR's second Inaugural Address

Go on then, try and see how it works out. Most will read them anyway...or draw a cartoon, Danes are good at that.

I'm pretty fond of prank phone calls (I plead the 5th ).

I get a big kick out of the following one done by Elvis Duran and the Morning Zoo Show in NYC and Miami where they wound up an Irish guy who was looking to get his name on his child's birth certificate but couldn't under NY law because he wasn't married:

YouTube - Indian Irish Phone Call

This is another link to it that isn't as clear but where you hear the initial radio jockeys explaining the background of the setup:

YouTube - The Funniest Irish Prank Call Ever - America

This one by a young Irish girl is a cute one where she calls a demolition company to knock down her school, and the group on the other side went along with it for laughs:

YouTube - Hilarious Prank Call Funny Ireland Irish

__________________

Maxine cracks me up!!!!


Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .



Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

__________________






"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Rene DesCartes is drinking with a friend.

Friend: Should we finish this bottle?

DesCartes: I think not. (And he vanishes.)

The power of.....



Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in
Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'to ye! Aren't ye
Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2
years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did,Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there anywee little ones
yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next
week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs.Donovan, how are ye
these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well,Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones
yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and
4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!How is yer loving
hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'
candle.'

__________________
Not a day goes by that I don't see something that reinforces my belief that people are idiots.

Random stuff...

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A
CUP OF BOILING
WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL
INSTANTLY REMOVE
ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY
GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING
THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT
YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON
YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER
TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK
WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU
HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT
TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T
MOVE AND DOES, USE
THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO
KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN
ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT
REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
PUSHED DOWN THE
STAIRS.

__________________
Not a day goes by that I don't see something that reinforces my belief that people are idiots.

The Way you Sleep AFTER...

After Two Beers...



After Three Glasses of Wine...



After Four Kamikazes...



After a Few Margaritas...



After 2 Bottles of Jack Daniels



And, after an evening of Two Beers, Three Wines, Four Kamikazes, Margaritas, and that Bottle of Jack shared with those Friends in Mexico...

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



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It's Always Been Done Like That...

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

Because that's the way they've always done it, and that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins....

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



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Prison -vs- Work

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: They are called managers.

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



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In A Mental Hospital...

A Sadist, a Masochist, a Murderer, a Necrophile, a Zoophile and a Pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a Mental Institution, bored out of their minds...

"How about having Sex with a Cat?" asked the Zoophile.

"Let's have Sex with the Cat, and then Torture it," says the Sadist.

"Let's have Sex with the Cat, Torture it and then Kill it," shouted the Murderer.

"Let's have Sex with the Cat, Torture it, Kill it and then have Sex with it again," said the Necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the Cat, Torture it, Kill it, have Sex with it again and then burn it," said the Pyromaniac.

Silence took over... and the Masochist says: "Meow."

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



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The Tragedy

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a Primary School Class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious Reverend Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a 'tragedy'?"

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "That would be an 'accident'..."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'?"

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Sharpton. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'..."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a 'tragedy'?"

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



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http://groups.yahoo.com/group/openmindopen...s/message/19512

Murphy's Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



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