The Penis

I, The Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.

• I work at great depths.

• I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

• I do not get weekends or holidays off.

• I work in a damp environment.

• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

• I work in high temperatures.

• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, The Penis



Dear Penis:

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, The Administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work eight hours straight.

• You fall asleep after brief work periods.

• You do not always follow the orders of the Management Team.

• You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

• You do not take initiative.

• You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

• You leave the work place rather messy at the end of your shift.

• You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

• You will retire well before you are 65.

• You are unable to work double shifts.

• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned tasks.

• And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace

Why Parents Drink...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and You. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and She is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, and tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that Marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for Cocaine and Ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you... Call me when it's safe to come home.

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace

Yahoo! Groups

Zen of Life

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace

Joke That'll Get You Arrested

If you are sitting next to someone on a plane or train who irritates you...

1. Quietly and calmly open up your Laptop case.
2. Remove your Laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the person who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6. Then, click here.

(may require Adobe Flash Player)

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace

Yahoo! Groups

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows..
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace

Not to mention the fact that he sometimes tries to sneak in the back entrance!!!

Q.) What are the first words a 12 year old Arkansas girl says after losing her virginity?

A.) "Git offa me daddy, yer a-crushin my cigarettes!!!"

Okay, heres a couple of racial danish jokes - I owe you that.

A negro waits at a bus stop, and beside him is a dogshit on the sidewalk. An older man comes by and asks the negro if his son has melted.


5 things that E.T. and spicks dont have in common:

1. E.T. looks better.

2. E.T. had his own bicycle.

3. E.T. came alone.

4. E.T. learned the language.

5. E.T. would like to go home again.

__________________

It all comes down to this on election day: Are you a racist, or do you look down on spastics?

Hey i appreciate just about every post you make here man, whether i agree with you or not i enjoy reading what you write, i am yet to find a post as of late you've made which i haven't found to be entertaining.

And there we have the proof...man i know i shouldn't laugh at that but its so insulting its impossible to keep a straight face!

Keep it up, you're one of the best posters about.

Thank you for the compliment. There are plenty more jokes where they came from, and I actually found entire threads and homesites dedicated to racial danish jokes. Some of them are so extremely offensive and down right evil that even I feel offended.

__________________

It all comes down to this on election day: Are you a racist, or do you look down on spastics?

Wow, put them up here if they're not too graphic, someone should get a good kick out of them!

(Yahoo! Groups)

The GWB Library

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be among the first to make a contribution to this great man's legacy.

The Library will include:

Ø The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

Ø The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.

Ø The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.

Ø The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

Ø The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

Ø The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).

Ø The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

Ø The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.

Plans also include:

Ø The K-Street Project Gift Shop - where you can buy (or just steal) an election.

Ø The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

Ø Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President's ego.

To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace

__________________
Marc "TheQleaner" Fisher
Unseen Head
The Illuminati Order

Novus Ordo Seclorum



Web Site | YouTube | MySpace

The Trouble with Outsourcing


I was depressed last night so I called
Lifeline.

Got outsourced to a call center in Pakistan.

Told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited. Asked if I could
fly a plane.