Mr. American Conservative
He is a new breed of Republican conservative. He says that he supports the Constitution. In this, he is a “strict constructionist,” and although he has never read the Constitution, he knows what it says; and he doesn’t need any Supreme Court to tell him what it says. “It says what I say it says,” he says.
He is a proponent of that reactionary movement that lauds itself as the “moral majority”, for he considers himself to be a person of high moral character and principles. He is also quick to condemn anyone whose character and principles do not exactly coincide with his own.
He professes to be deeply religious, but he would be pressed to expound in depth on the articles of his faith; suffice it to say that he believes in the literal truth of holy scripture - whatever that means. “I got no truck with that modern mo’rality,” he says dogmatically. But he has no qualms about mixing his “old-time religion” with present-day politics. He believes, he says, in freedom of religion - so long as it’s the right religion. “It’s got ‘In God We Trust’ right there on the dollar,” he says as though making his point.
He is steadfast in his convictions, even when he is wrong. His cardinal virtues are arrogance, bigotry, and uncompromising stupidity. He knows what’s right is right; and no one dare tell him it’s not. “The law’s the law!” he says, pounding his fist for emphasis. Besides this, he is ill-tempered and intolerant of others. He gives short-shrift to his judgments of others, and he has no patience for any exceptions to the rule.
He is a staunch advocate for educational reform. He demands that “Creationism” be taught in the schools - none of that evilution monkey business for him! - and that the Bible be used as the text for biology class. “That’ll learn’em,” he says self-righteously.
He is a firm believer in family values, although he himself was just recently divorced for the second time. (This is a sore subject with him.) And he is absolutely against abortion; there can be no excuse for abortion - not under any circumstances. (Curiously, he has a great number of excuses for why he has not paid his child support; but that is another matter.)
He has many other qualities too numerous to mention, but when all is said and done, he believes - honest to God - that he is a good person, and that Jesus loves him. Need must this be so - for Christ’s sake - for no one else does.